Wrapping things up

I had no idea I'd left this for over two months. I knew it was well overdue for an update, but I guess I just didn't feel as if I really had anything of value to say.

My year abroad is coming to a close now, and I don't feel that I can sum up how I feel about it quite yet. Usually if someone asks, my standard response is a shrug and no more than "alright." It's not that I'm bitter, at least, most of the time, it's just that if I look back on what I've done this year, something feels lacking.

If I could focus the root problem of why things didn't go quite as planned, I'd say it's to do with the fact that I didn't get a well paying part time job, or even a marginally decent paying job. I didn't get a scholarship. Due to Facebook and such, it was quite easy to see what everyone else was doing. Those who did receive a scholarship tended to go to Disneyland several times at once, frequently socialised, and went travelling across Japan, and in some cases to other countries. It genuinely bugs me that money was such an issue this year. I've never been especially good at Japanese, my marks have always been in the lower tier, which makes it understandable that I wouldn't be eligible for a scholarship or anything of the sort. I just feel that my progress has been more stunted by not being able to really get involved in any social groups, and more often than not, debate whether I can really afford a new grammar or kanji book.

That is, in fact, what I've spent most of this year doing. Staying in my room, and studying. Granted, it will be useful for my degree, but it doesn't feel as if that was how this year was supposed to go. Before I went, some seniors told me that "it's the best year of your life", but it really doesn't seem that way. I feel I could get as beneficial an experience from staying in England and studying there instead.

But, I don't want to just harp on and on and on about how much this year feels like a missed oppurtunity, because there have been some good things that came out of it. I do feel as if I have developed my Japanese, and social skills, and I guess "life skills", if those really count for much. I've got a good idea who my friends are, who I can count on, and I did have the pleasure of making some new friends, which will hopefully be lasting ones. I was able to go to a few events and places, and meet a couple of celebrities, albeit in very niche circles.

I know from the start, Sheffield told us that we should not compare our year abroad to others, that it is "our year", but that doesn't help a slight odd taste when some people had clear advantages over others, or completely different experiences. I'm not only speaking about myself there either, I know I had it better than some, which is why it feels bad that I'm complaining, but I just have to vent that kind of thing while it's still fresh in my mind.

One thing I do know, is that this isn't the end. I've reinvigorated my interest in the language, I have some new goals that are not just limited to what Sheffield has to offer me, and I do plan to return to Japan. If I look at those problems I've just listed, I can't blame "Japan", as some nonspecific entity for them all. A lot of them were to do with my university. I know also I should blame myself for a lot of that, as I let myself believe certain things and have certain expectations.

It'll be a long time before the benefits of this year become truly apparent I think, but I'll be sure to try and get at least one last, final post on here before I'm back in England.